We can’t help you become a millionaire when the Powerball is drawn tonight at 10:59 p.m. ET. But we can help make you a well-read millionaire by bringing you the five things you need to know to Get Up to Speed and Out the Door.
IRAN
Whew: Iran captured 10 U.S. sailors yesterday after two small Navy ships entered its waters. How the ships ended up there is less clear — Ran out of gas? Nav system problems? Iran said it would release the sailors first thing today. But then foot-dragged for hours – first questioning the 9 men and 1 woman to see if they were spies, and then demanding an apology from the U.S. Finally, the sailors were released this afternoon Tehran time. Crisis. Averted.
STATE OF THE UNION
Dumpin’ on Trump:
A recap of President Obama’s last SOTU address (and Nikki Haley’s GOP response) –
Obama: I brought back the jobs!
Haley: Those paychecks sure are measly.
Obama: America’s not scared of anybody!
Haley: No one fears us anymore.
Obama: We can do anything if we work together!
Haley: Obama has divided us more than ever.
Then they pulled a wrestling move and doubled teamed on Donald Trump – without mentioning him. Obama bodyslammed Trump for bad mouthing the recovery and dropkicked him on his keep-the-Muslims-out idea. Haley jumped in the ring and powerbombed Trump for thinking “you have to be the loudest voice in the room to make a difference.”
The Donald’s reaction to this bipartisan beatdown? Yawn.
TURKEY BOMBING
‘Never compromise’: That’s the defiant message from Turkey’s Prime Minister after a suicide bomber killed at least 10 foreigners in a bustling tourist area in Istanbul yesterday. Among the victims were 8 Germans, making the attack the deadliest on Germans in more than 13 years. The bomber was a migrant from Syria who officials said belonged to ISIS – and the attack showed the group’s nerve, reach and capacity for terror. But, said the PM, it won’t change Turkey’s resolve to keep fighting terror.
DETROIT SICKOUT
‘Mold’ing minds: Black mold. Rats and roaches. Not enough teachers. That’s what they’re up against in Detroit schools, where teachers are holding a “sickout” this week to protest the conditions. They got the attention of Detroit’s mayor. Yesterday, he toured some schools and promised to do whatever it took to fix things. Of course he failed to mention that — thanks to a state takeover — he has no direct control over the city’s school system.
POWERBALL
Money (That’s what I want): We won’t bore you with the blah-blah-blah about the odds of winning tonight’s $1.5 billion Powerball. You’re buying that ticket anyway. So, let us drop some knowledge instead:
You can kinda sorta guarantee yourself the jackpot – if you have $584 million to spend on tickets
But before you do, know the jackpot is actually $930 million
… And The Man will take 25% before the cash even gets to you
BREAKFAST BROWSE
People are talking about these. Read up. Join in.
Quote of the day: “Sell everything.” The Royal Bank of Scotland, advising clients of a “cataclysmic” 2016 and to head for the exits. Do not wait! Do not pass go! The red flags? Falling oil, volatility in China, rising debt, weak loans — and that’s just in the first week of trading.
Silence of the Rams
The St. Louis Rams are no more. The team’s moving back to L.A. It never made sense that St. Louis was in the NFC West anyway.
Is that a python in your pants or …
Yes, it is a python. A python you purloined from a pet store in Portland. You’re lucky it wasn’t feeding day.
Is that a snake under your fridge, or …?
Yes, it is a snake. A pregnant, poisonous eastern brown roosting under your refrigerator, relying on the radiation to incubate its eggs.
#PayUp
Arizona’s shaming deadbeat dads on Twitter to make cough up the $$. It probably should use an account with more than 957 followers though.
Number of the day: 7 p.m. Mark your calendars: The merry militia occupying the Oregon wildlife refuge will announce Friday evening when they’re movin’ on out. They’ll also explain why they were there. But at this point, NO ONE CARES!
AND FINALLY …
Putting your mad editing skillz to good use
Here’s Linkin Park’s ‘In the End’ painstakingly stitched together from 183 movie clips. This is what make the Internet such a wonderful thing, people. (Click to view)
