President Barack Obama had one motto Saturday night at the annual White House Correspondents’ Association dinner: take no prisoners.
Here are the top jokes he told:
1. “Bucket”
When life gets hard and the Republicans are cramping his style, Obama’s decided to just “bucket” — or at least another phrase that rhymes with it. It’s a new policy he’s decided on in the fourth quarter of his presidency.
Obama listed off his (rhymes with) “bucket list.”
“Take executive action on immigration? Bucket. New climate regulations? Bucket. It’s the right thing to do,” Obama said, picking up on criticism of his executive actions.
2. Anger translator
Perhaps the funniest moment of the night was when Obama called up his “anger translator,” Luther — AKA comedian Keegan-Michael Key.
The skit saw Obama deliver mellow, politically correct lines as Key — err, Luther — sounded off with the unvarnished truth.
“Hold on to your lily white butts,” Luther opened.
The Obama version: “In our fast changing world, traditions like the White House Correspondents’ Dinner are important.”
The anger translation: “I mean really what is this dinner?” he says jumping emphatically. “And why am I required to go to it? Jeb Bush, do you really want to do this?”
Obama talking about campaign fundraising: “Hillary will have to raise huge sums of money too.”
Translation: “Oh yeah,” Luther says with a wild look in his eyes. “She goin’ get that money. She goin’ get all the money. Khaleesi is coming to Westeros,” a reference to HBO’s “Game of Thrones”.
But taking the script away from his “anger translator,” Obama seemed ready to forgo the translation as he began talking about climate change.
“Every serious scientists says we need act. The Pentagon says it’s a national security risk. Miami floods on a sunny day and instead of doing anything about it, we’ve got elected officials throwing snowballs in the Senate,” Obama said referring to Republican Sen. Jim Inhoffe’s stunt on the Senate floor aimed at disproving global warming.
“O.K. I think I got it bro,” Luther says.
“It is crazy. What about our kids, what kind of stupid short-sighted, irresponsible, bull — ” Obama continues before being cut off by his “translator.”
3. Hillary Clinton’s financial woes
Obama’s Clinton joke was almost like a return to Clinton’s comments that she and President Bill Clinton were “dead broke” when they left the White House.
As Obama noted, “for many Americans, this is still a time of deep uncertainty.”
“For example I have one friend, just a few weeks ago she was making millions of dollars a year. And she ‘s now living out of a van in Iowa,” Obama said in a reference to Clinton’s listening tour in the days and weeks following her campaign announcement.
4. Knocking the 2016ers
Obama knocked Ted Cruz as a narcissist after the Texas Republican senator recently compared himself to Galileo for fighting back against climate change:
“Galileo believed the world revolved around the sun. Ted Cruz believes the Earth revolves around Ted Cruz,” Obama joked.
And Rick Santorum should stop talking about how he wouldn’t attend a gay marriage, Obama said — because there’s no way gays and lesbians would even consider inviting him to a same-sex wedding.
And for Donald Trump, who is eying a presidential run for the umpteenth time?
“Donald Trump is here. Still,” Obama joked. “Anyway.”
He also landed a couple jokes at the expense of Democrats considering a run for the White House.
“Apparently they really want to see a pot smoking socialist in the White House,” Obama said of Sen. Bernie Sanders, who considers himself a socialist. “We could get a third Obama term after all.”
And on former Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley, Obama pulled from Clinton’s recent trip to a Chipotle, where she appeared to try and pass through incognito.
“Not to be outdone, Martin O’Malley kicked things off by going completely unrecognized at a Martin O’Malley campaign event,” Obama quipped.
5. Have no fear…McCain and Biden are here
Obama couldn’t deliver jokes at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner without discussing one of the stories that has most dogged that group of reporters: the Secret Service.
Obama said the agency, which has fumbled time and again in the last year, has come up with a “fool proof way to keep people off my lawn.”
The answer came in the form of a Photoshopped picture: Sen. John McCain with a broom.
And to keep the nagging drones away? Vice President Joe Biden with a baseball bat.
6. Don’t worry Senate Democrats, there’s now Obamacare
The 2014 midterms were still on Obama’s mind as he touted the benefits of his signature health care law, that helps American get affordable health insurance even if they don’t have a job.
“Today thanks to Obamacare, you no longer have to worry about losing your insurance if you lose your job. You’re welcome Senate Democrats,” Obama said.
7. The classic Biden joke.
Noting that he was feeling “more loose and relaxed than ever” in the fourth quarter of his presidency, Obama drew back to a too-close-for-comfort moment involving Vice President Joe Biden and Defense Secretary Ash Carter’s wife.
“Those Joe Biden shoulder massages, they’re like magic,” Obama joked. “You should try one. Oh you have?”
Biden got a little touchy-feely with the newly-minted defense secretary’s wife in February — apparently giving her a taste of the Obama special.
8. Biden joke #2
Obama tried to soften up his blow to Biden — blows that have become somewhat of a Washington tradition — by pointing out how much he loves Biden.
“I love that man,” Obama said. “We’ve gotten so close that some places in Indiana won’t serve us pizza any more,” a reference to Indiana’s recent religious freedom law that angered LGBT rights activists.
9. Boehner, Netanyahu…never gets old.
While joking about getting older, Obama joked:
“I look so old [House Speaker] John Boehner’s already invited [Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin] Netanyahu to speak at my funeral,” Obama joked, referring to the House Speaker’s controversial invitation of the Israeli Prime Minister.
10. Dick Cheney
Obama swung back at Vice President Dick Cheney, who recently called Obama “the worst President of my lifetime.”
“Dick Cheney said I was the worst president of his lifetime, which is interesting because I think Dick Cheney is the worst president of my lifetime,” Obama joked of the former vice president, who was considered very influential in the Bush White House.
