By John Messmer
The new year is a natural transition between what was and what might be. No wonder people use the time to make resolutions. Why change anything? Ask people and they may tell you they have to lose weight because they’re too fat, or they need to exercise because they’re lazy or a couch potato, or they need to stop smoking because it’s a disgusting and expensive habit.
If your doctor, your friend or spouse actually said the words, “You’re too fat” or “You’re disgusting when you smoke” or “You’re lazy” imagine how motivated you would feel! You might get angry or you might feel so badly about your circumstances that it would be hard to get motivated to make any change at all.
It’s hard to focus on a goal when you start out thinking negatively about yourself. If you already believe that you are the problem then when you don’t keep your resolution, it reinforces your negative thoughts and it becomes even harder the next time.
Remind yourself that you are not the only one with problems. It is a fact that humans are not perfect. Each of us has flaws that could be fixed or improved. So, go easy on yourself. Treat yourself with the same compassion you would show for a friend or family member struggling with a challenge.
Pick an attainable goal. Losing 100 pounds is a huge challenge. It might take 2 years and there can be many bumps in the road. Instead, set smaller, more easily reachable goals. For example, try for a 5 pound weight loss in a month. After a month, if you lost 3 pounds, congratulate yourself for making some progress and set out on the next 5 pound weight loss. If you don’t lose weight or if you gain some, don’t berate yourself or complain it’s impossible or that you’ll never do it. Be kind to yourself. Remind yourself that it’s not simple to do, many people struggle with weight loss, and at least you made an effort.
The same approach can be used for quitting smoking, starting an exercise program, getting more rest, and so on. It’s not helpful to punish or belittle yourself for what you see as flaws or for failing to reach your goal. Every one of us fails sometimes. No one always has complete success.
Set a goal that is achievable for mere mortals. Instead of planning an hour at a gym every day, start with a short walk on weekdays. Take the stairs at work instead of the elevator and park in the farthest spot from the store. Gradually increase your activity. Or if you want to get better organized, start with one area – maybe your desk at work. Then move on to other areas.
Congratulate yourself with every step you complete, but if you find yourself not fulfilling your plan, be kind. Remember that everyone has setbacks. If everyone else were successful all the time, all of us would be physically fit, thin, organized nonsmokers who get plenty of sleep and spend lots of time with our families and friends. Know anyone like that? Probably not.
This new year, if you have identified something you want to change, instead of thinking of it in a negative way as though you are flawed or inferior, have a little compassion for yourself. Self-compassion does not come naturally. But if you can have compassion for others, you can have it for yourself. With a little kindness, you can reach your goal.
John Messmer is an associate professor of family and community medicine at Penn State College of Medicine and a staff physician at Penn State Milton S. Hershey Medical Center.
