“Proving Once Again, Ice Cream Trucks Are Creepy”
Legion (2009)
Rated R
Did you ever notice Hollywood’s ability to create a decent premise for a story, then completely rush it though without making an effort to explain itself and totally torpedoing the ending? Well folks, this week’s selection is no exception. Legion was brought to us by director Scott Charles Stewart (Priest), who has a long list of credits in visual effects (as you’ll notice in this film), but very few credits in the director’s chair (which you’ll also notice in this film). It does boast some gifted and recognizable actors with Paul Bettany (A Knight’s Tale, The Da Vinci Code), Lucas Black (Get Low, Jarhead), Dennis Quaid (Vantage Point, The Day After Tomorrow, and of course, Enemy Mine… Ha!) and Charles S. Dutton (Black Dog, A Time to Kill, and probably best known for his TV show Roc), and I have to say, the acting isn’t horrible. The script is though, especially for a discerning movie nerd like me.
Legion is an apocalypse movie, which is a popular theme for Hollywood, so there’s lots of material to compare it to (strike one). The Archangel Michael (Bettany) has disobeyed a command from God himself to eradicate humanity because Michael still has hope for us. An army of angels has been sent to earth to extinguish what God considers to be a wretched and failed creation. Michael comes to earth in human form to fight off the hordes of holy henchmen single-handedly. His goal is to protect the unborn child of a pregnant single mother in a remote truck stop in the desert. Apparently, this child will lead humanity to redemption and back into God’s favor. Why? How? I don’t know. Neither did the writers, because they don’t really get into it (strike two).
So a group of strangers are stranded in this truck stop when the apocalypse takes place. Michael shows up with a trunk load of guns, and the few remaining survivors battle droves of angel-possessed bad guys enlisted in God’s army. There’s a creepy possessed old woman, which is cool, and there’s also a creepy possessed Ice Cream Truck driver, which is also cool, but they’re the only remarkable bad guys in the movie besides the leader of the heavenly host: Gabriel (played by Kevin Durand from Robin Hood and 3:10 to Yuma). Gabriel is the right hand of God, and he is fanatically loyal to God’s command. As such, he’s rewarded with a train-horn trumpeting noise announcing his arrival which totally ruins any chance of surprise, a medieval chest plate which serves no purpose other than a feeble attempt to look cool, and a mace with more trinkets on it than Batman, none of which would have been nearly as effective as a bullet (strike three, yer out!).
Okay, it’s rant time. Excuse me as I digress…
The single most important component to a successful and enjoyable movie is that it be believable in context. That is to say that, within the scope of the story, there must be continuity and rationalism. Many movies have great a premise, but completely fail the audience in flushing the story out believably.  For example, take M. Night Shyamalan’s stinker Signs (2002). If you’re making an alien movie, the audience will be expected to believe that aliens do in fact exist, for the sake of the story, and that aliens would have the technology required to transverse interstellar space and the will to conquer a tiny blue world for whatever resources or nefarious purposes they like. The audience will take certain leaps of faith for the context of the story. Where it falls apart is when we’re asked to believe that such advanced aliens, with all of their wisdom and technology, have a weakness to water. So, in their infinite wisdom, they choose to attack a planet that is roughly 75% water and they don’t even have the common sense to wear a damned space suit. Seriously? Your masterfully planned alien invasion could completely fall apart at the hands of a five-year-old with a Super Soaker? It was set up so well, but ultimately, it’s so stupid that it becomes completely unbelievable.
 On the other hand, take Kevin Smith’s Dogma (1999). Here’s another story dealing with angels on earth, and equally unbelievable conditions to the rational viewer. Smith, however, simply puts the premise out there, and then he sticks to it inside the story. The audience is able to suspend their belief throughout the movie because, given the context, the actions and motivations of the characters are believable. The result is a remarkably entertaining fantasy that explains itself well and completes its message through solid acting and intelligent screenwriting. I’m not saying Smith’s story is realistic, I’m saying it’s believable in context.
Back to the point though, Legion falls into the category of the former far too many times. For example, Michael comes to earth and simply waltzes into an arsenal filled to the brim with modern weaponry, inexplicably located in the heart of Los Angeles. Cheeky enough with the reference to the “City of Angels”, but beyond that, it makes no sense. Then, he rolls out into the desert with his stash and meets these people, who very quickly become adept at using the high-grade military weaponry. Secondly, we know that Michael’s actions are in direct defiance of God, but there is no mention of Satan. Remember what happened when Satan defied God’s will? Why is Michael any different, and if he isn’t different, why are we supposed to be rooting for the devil? Why didn’t Michael receive similar punishment for his transgressions, and if God is all powerful, why does he need these nitwit angels to do his dirty work? Thirdly, we have these angels, who have managed to wipe out everyone else, apparently, but they drop with a single bullet. Then, for some reason, they stop attacking, then start again, then stop again. Why? If this is the best army God can muster, he needs to rethink more than his creation of man.
Then there’s Gabriel, who for his part is supposed to be intimidating and superior in battle, and he shows up looking like a gothic Medieval Times waiter with wings. Wings that he uses more as shields and blades than as flying instruments, which during certain chase sequences may have been useful. Plus, this guy is using a mace with more technology packed into it than a modern Glock, but it’s nowhere near as useful. Sometimes he’s vulnerable to firearms, and sometimes he’s not. Why? Depends on who is shooting him, I guess. He has the strength to rip the roof right off of a car, but he can’t seem to resist a pistol barrage. Gabe, why not just pick up the whole car, man? Use gravity to your advantage, and the show is over. Also, we learn from this film that a car that’s missing most of its roof can flip several times at high speed and none of the occupants, including a child born only minutes ago, will be injured.
It’s important to stress that this movie’s effects do look good, and the acting goes as far as the script will allow it. It runs for 100 minutes, which is too long, and the pacing is poor. There’s intense action, then long downtimes where the script attempts to extrapolate back stories on the characters that nobody cares too much about. Describing the actions of the survivors as half-witted is as close to a compliment as I can come for folks involved in such a situation, and it only adds to the frustration of the audience.
The Bottom Line is this: Good looking special effects and playing on religious mythology are not enough to make an entertaining movie. Especially if you plan on using Christianity, the most widely studied and popular religion on earth, you’d better have your ducks in a row. Legion poses far too many questions to the intelligent viewer and offers almost no explanations. There are holes in the plot big enough to drive an Ice Cream Truck (zing!) through, and they are aggravating enough. Coupled with such obvious discrepancies in the action relating to the strengths and weaknesses of the antagonists, the audience is at no time able to immerse itself in the world in which the story takes place, and therefore spends the majority of the movie either completely bored or laughably annoyed.
Now I’m hungry for ice cream….
