WHO’S IN CHARGE AT YOUR HOME?
So who runs the show at your home? If you have teenagers, you might wonder who really calls the shots. It might not seem so, but your teenager still looks to you for direction and guidance. Even as she challenges your words, she knows deep inside that she’s not ready to call all the shots or to be totally independent. Ideally, our children take on more and more responsibilities, until they do
become mature and independent individuals. But this path to maturity has many twists and turns along the way.
One of the greatest challenges to parents is knowing what to let go of and when to let your child take charge of the situation or decision. Years ago you made the decision when she was ready to cross the street alone, or to sleep over at a friend’s home. You may have wrestled with this decision, but you used your best judgment. Today, your teenager appears so capable and confident; you’ll need to remind yourself that she still needs lots of practice before she’s an independent adult. By taking
control of her life, your daughter learns that she is worthwhile, can make sound decisions, and has something to contribute.
This is one reason why it is so important to let our children take charge and make decisions while still living with you. There will be times when she makes a poor decision, and having a parent to discuss this with can provide much learning. Your teenager needs to be confident that she can
manage any situation she faces, and the more she practices making decisions, the better decision maker she’ll become.
Your teenager should know that if she needs you, even at an inconvenient time, you are available and willing to step in. A wise parent knows when to offer a helpful suggestion, when to hold her tongue, and when to throw in the lifesaver. A wise parent lets the teen be in charge, but not in a position to ruin her life. A wise parent knows when to step in and provide support and encouragement before her teen is sinking. A wise parent does not flaunt her authority or influence.
Teens need our assistance more when they are tired, confused, or when events are moving too quickly. Sometimes our teens just need help with putting tasks into priorities and knowing where to begin. Sometimes our kids need to see that most issues have more than one possible solution. Your suggestions will be appreciated during these potentially-overwhelming times.
If you understand the developmental needs of your teen, and become aware of what you are doing, you can be prepared to transfer more control to your teen. You can intentionally step aside and let your teen develop the roadmap. Then when your teen loses her way, she can come to you, reassured that you will provide assistance and steer her back on course.
(Reference: Wonderful Ways to Love a Teen . . . Even When It Seems Impossible, Judy Ford, 1996.)
Additional information is available from your local office of Penn State Cooperative Extension. In Clearfield, the office is located in the Multi-Service Center, or by calling 765-7878. In Brookville, the office is located at 180 Main Street, or by calling 849-7361. Penn State is committed to affirmative action, equal opportunity, and the diversity of its workforce.
