Attention Democrats! It’s out. Vice President Joe Biden has just revealed your secret weapon in the strategy to beat Donald Trump: Malarkey.
That’s right, he said it. And it isn’t the first time: “[Trump] is trying to tell us he cares about the middle class. Give me a break. That is a bunch of malarkey,” he roared, as the crowd went wild.
On Twitter, Ryan Koronowski, editor of Climate Progress, tweeted, “JOE BIDEN HAS UNLEASHED PROJECT MALARKEY.”
In response, podcaster Paul Fidalgo tweeted, “THE CODE WORD HAS BEEN SPOKEN. ENGAGE.”
We all know what to do. Trump is scaring America with actual profanity, throwing out damns and hells like candy to a crowd, promising to bomb the you-know-what out of ISIS, and providing material for this supercut of F-bombs.
But what fun is that?
Joe Biden has shown us the way: Counter the fear and loathing with words from a gentler time, say, a 1940s Frank Capra movie where men wear hats and women in lipstick have snappy comebacks.
While Trump says he’s trying to make America great again by reaching back to the xenophobia of the bad old days, the Dems can borrow something better from the good old days: Quaint, faux cuss words. These words serve a triple purpose: They disarm the opponent, calm you down and make you smile … or at least snicker.
In accordance with Project Malarkey, the following words should be deployed immediately:
Fiddle-faddle:
Merriam-Webster defines fiddle-faddle as “nonsense — often used as an interjection.” We all know what “interjection” means: It means you shout it! You can even interrupt someone mid-sentence with this glorious, alliterative word.
In the first vice-presidential debate, when Trump’s running mate, Mike Pence, claims the GOP is now a gay-friendly party, Tim Kaine should interject, “Fiddle-faddle! You signed a law allowing Indiana businesses to discriminate against LGBT people!”
Hogwash
Hogwash, defined as “foolish or meaningless talk,” could come in handy when Trump goes toe-to-toe with Hillary Clinton. When Trump claims he’s a trustworthy businessman, Clinton should respond with: “Hogwash, Donald! You constantly stiffed contractors who worked for you!”
Balderdash
The next time your angry relative goes on a profanity-laden tirade about how the Democrats are destroying the economy, just respond with: “Balderdash! Under Obama’s leadership, the unemployment rate is 4.9 percent, considered by most economists to be full employment!”
Cockamamie
In the movie “In the Line of Fire,” Clint Eastwood implores his younger colleague to cut out his “cockamamie” talk. “Cockamamie,” Eastwood says, “That’s a word your generation hasn’t embraced yet. Maybe you ought to use it once in a while just to keep it alive, you know?”
Exactly, Clint. You nailed it. There’s never been a better time to resurrect this word, which means “ridiculous or silly.” Allow me to use it in a sentence to Donald Trump right now.
Say it with me. And for added effect, grab the nearest top hat and monocle, and maybe test out your best British accent. Here goes: “Donald, your cockamamie ideas are nothing but a bunch of hooey. In fact, your claptrap plans are nothing but poppycock.”
There … don’t you feel better?