If you visit Kennywood this summer, you’ll be sure to see several boys emptying their pockets in front of the carnival-style games. How many girls actually desire to take home a jumbo-sized Tweety bird from the amusement park? They smell funny. What do you do with them? Boys relish winning junk like this for the girl they love. It’s not about the actual prize; it’s about the accomplishment of winning. What valor it takes to score five three-point basketball shots in just one minute. I suppose giving a styrofoam ball stuffed Tweety bird to someone today is somewhat equivalent to slaying a knight during a jousting competition in the Medieval Ages. It’s all about proving your manhood and getting a woman to realize you’re just the man she wants and needs.
I was not at Kennywood or seated on top of a horse in chainmail, but I also sought to impress my lady in waiting just a few weeks ago. My girlfriend teaches gymnastics, and she quickly discovered I’m one of the least flexible and uncoordinated people she has ever met. Luckily I have nice spiked hair or we probably wouldn’t even be dating. Well one of our first dates included her teaching me how to tumble on her trampoline. She started by showing me some simple flips, and then I progressed into attempting front and back handsprings. Well after almost cracking my head off the edge of the trampoline numerous times and letting several potty words slip out, I actually learned how to do a decent front handspring. We stopped after I got pretty dizzy and felt somewhat nauseous from my repeated attempts to obtain perfect form.
I know that practice makes perfect, so later on that week I decided to practice my front handspring without my girlfriend’s help. I didn’t have a trampoline or shoes on my feet, but I was stupid enough to throw all 175 pounds of myself up into the air as I attempted to polish my skills. Into the air I went and crashing down to the ground I fell without any springs or arms to catch me. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch… I laid on the ground for a while before getting up and discovering that my pinky toe was pointing in the opposite direction of where it should be. I did what any logical young man would do, and I hobbled back into my house, pulled up Google, and searched “how to put a dislocated toe back into place.” I could not get my toe back into place and before I knew it I was off to the hospital for X-rays. Luckily, I had only dislocated it, but I would have never expected such a minor injury to be so painful. I couldn’t walk very well for about two weeks, and it was a little embarrassing to explain to people what happened when they asked why I was limping everywhere I went. I knew my girlfriend really cared about me when she didn’t even laugh after I told her the whole story. Not being able to exercise for nearly a month about killed me, but I grew an incredible amount of sympathy for people who experience health problems that prevent them from doing the things they love. Since I’ve healed, I have yet to do a handstand, cartwheel, or front handspring on any surface.
Please don’t make fun of string bean bodied boys who throw out their arms at Kennywood while playing carnival games. They have good intentions and are helping keep seamstresses in China who sit behind big factory machines all day employed. And if you see a young stud limping around Wal-mart or Martin’s grocery store, assume he hurt himself playing rugby or dropped a free weight on his foot while at the gym. You don’t need to ask him for the details. There are many ways to say “I love you,” and I encourage you to find a special way to let the person you care for know how much you truly appreciate having them in your life.
Ryan Devlin is a 25-year-old English teacher and cross country coach at Brockway Area High School. If you help employ people in China or want to contact Ryan become a fan of “Keep the Penny” on facebook. Total reader savings thus far for your piggy bank, eight cents.