On Friday, President Donald Trump gathered more than a dozen of his top advisers at Camp David to discuss the future of the American military strategy in Afghanistan.
No decisions were announced but many serious things were discussed. How do I know? Because of the photo released by the White House detailing the attendees.
Here it is — and it’s a doozy:
Let’s break down the looks — and messages sent via those looks — for each white man of the 13 white men and 1 woman in the photo. Side note: I have to believe the attendees were told not to smile due to the seriousness of the topic discussed. Otherwise, the sheer spontaneous seriousness is truly beyond belief. (Huge thanks to CNN’s Jim Acosta for helping ID everyone.)
Here’s the message we’re taking away from each person pictured (from left to right):
* John Kelly: The newly installed White House chief of staff looks vaguely menacing — like the photographer had just said something he didn’t like. Also, he’s doing that thing that photographers hate when trying to do a big group picture: He’s not scooching in enough. Get closer to Sessions, general! Or, given Trump’s feeling about the attorney general, maybe, um, don’t.
* Jeff Sessions: The attorney general looks like he just came from the gym where his did a MAJOR chest workout. He is fully pumped up — and, oddly, given Trump’s views about him, less unhappy-looking than the others. Maybe he’s just happy to be included.
* Elaine Duke: Duke is the acting secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, filling the job since Kelly’s elevation to White House chief of staff. Her face seems to say: “Wait, am I seriously the only woman here? SERIOUSLY?”
* Tom Bossert: Bossert, Trump’s homeland security adviser, appears to be stifling a laugh. Probably about how much taller he is than everyone else in the photo. Or maybe that’s just Bossert’s “serious” face.
* Paul Selva: Selva is an Air Force general and the vice chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. (Joe Dunford, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs, was in the midst of a trip to South Korea, China and Japan.) His uniform says “all business,” but his face says “is this over with yet?”
* Rex Tillerson: No Rexit! No Rexit! The secretary of state is clearly a veteran of these “be super serious” photos. He’s not frowning. He’s not smiling. His face represents perfect equanimity. I’m impressed.
* Donald Trump: The President’s “this-is-tough-and-serious-stuff-and-I-am-tough-and-serious” face is a classic of the genre. Also, am I the only one wondering why he is sitting while everyone else is standing?
* Mike Pence: Steely. Determined. Also, “I flew back from Panama early for this?”
* James Mattis: The secretary of defense wins the award for Most Serious-Looking. I mean, that look shows that my dude is NOT kidding around.
* H.R. McMaster: The national security adviser looks more unhappy than serious. Also, he thought they were all turning sideways for the photo, but then Mattis just stood straight on. Come on, Mattis!
* Steve Mnuchin: The treasury secretary is my favorite part of the photo. I’m not sure if it’s the knowing semi-smirk or the amazingly stiff arms. Either way, I love everything about him.
* Mike Pompeo: “When did we start doing two rows here? And why I am in the back one? It looks like they just Photoshopped my head in there! I’m the director of the CIA, damn it! “
* Mick Mulvaney: On the one hand, Mulvaney, the director of the Office of Management and Budget, is way out on the fringes of the picture. On the other hand, he beat Pompeo out for a spot in the front row.
* Dan Coats: Coats is the director of national intelligence. And he was elected to the Senate from Indiana two separate times. Which means he is a big enough boss to be the only one in the picture not to wear a suit. Suit separates forever!