Didja win? Are you a (Power) baller now? Because some folks did. Not us though, which is why we’re here. Naah, we love bringing you the 5 things you need to know to Get Up to Speed and Out the Door.
JAKARTA ATTACKS
Echoes of Paris: Militants unleashed a gun and grenade attack across the heart of the Indonesian capital today. They hit a central entertainment and shopping district. Terror experts say it smacks of ISIS and last year’s Paris massacre – where the group hit several locations at the same time. At least six are dead — a police officer and five civilians. Many more were injured. Four of the attackers are also dead. Indonesia hasn’t had something like this happen since 2009.
DETAINED SAILORS
Sorry seems to be the hardest word: You’d think all that matters is that the U.S. sailors detained by Iran are safe and free. But nooo, things are NEVER that simple. A video Iran’s state TV aired yesterday shows an American sailor apologizing for entering it waters. Was it sincere? Was it coerced? Let the debate begin. No one’s saying anything officially. Maybe his mama just raised him right.
EL CHAPO
I love it when you call me big poppa: When you’re El Chapo, flirting with danger’s part of the deal. But who woulda thunk his downfall would be flirting with an actress? While on the lam, the murderous kingpin exchanged texts with Kate del Castillo – he going by ‘papa,’ she by ‘M.’ It was all fun and games until Mexican officials intercepted the messages, tracked him down and hauled him back to maximum security. We’re not surprised a man was done in trying to impress a woman. We are surprised he was using a BlackBerry. In 2015.
CAMPAIGN 2016
The optics, man! Think about the optics!: Presidential hopeful Ted Cruz pitches himself as a populist, an evangelical everyman who got to where he is through hard work and perseverance. He likes to recount how he and his wife liquidated their entire net worth to fund his first Senate win in 2012. What he conveniently leaves out – as we’ve now learned — is how Goldman Sachs and Citibank loaned him $1 million during that race. Hmm, he may have some ‘splainin’ to do in tonight’s debate. (Yes, another one!)
FLINT WATER CRISIS
Drink this in: What is going on in Michigan? You’ve got a ‘sickout’ in Detroit because teachers are sick of moldy, roach-infested classrooms. And you have nasty lead-contaminated water in nearby Flint. Well, now Flint has this to deal with: Legionnaires’ disease! Cases have spiked in the two years since the city switched its water supply. There’s one name you’ll hear a lot in the coming days: Darnell Earley, who was Flint’s emergency manager during the water switch. What’s his new gig? Emergency manager of Detroit Public Schools.
BREAKFAST BROWSE
People are talking about these. Read up. Join in.
Oops, my bad!
What York University meant to do was send students a note saying their college applications were received. What York University did was send students a note saying they got in. Ouch.
Water you thinking?
You can’t fault their creativity. The Chinese have come up with giant water cannons to fight the nation’s horrible air pollution. Yes, really.
What’s up, Doc?
Pot in fake carrots, that’s what. Cops busted some drug dealers trying to sneak in a ton of weed in carrot-shaped packages. No wonder Bugs was always in such a good mood.
Taco chance on me
Chipotle’s going to launch a new campaign next month to lure customers back after that whole E.coli debacle. The burrito backlash might last a while. Folks don’t easily get over intestinal mischief.
We hardly knew ye
Let’s pour one out for Al Jazeera America. Ambitious but unloved, talent-packed but unwatched, it’ll be laid to rest in the Great TV Graveyard in April.
AND FINALLY …
Michelle Dobyne is a force of nature and her interview with a TV news crew this week was just begging for a Songify treatment.