Obama to the nation: “Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow.” Alabama to football fans: “We are the champions.” Oregon to the ranchers: “Who says you can’t go home.” It’s Tuesday, and here are the five things you need to know to Get Up to Speed and Out the Door.
STATE OF THE UNION
The last hurrah: President Obama’s final State of the Union speech is tonight (words that bring either sadness or great joy, depending on your political persuasion). The White House promises a “nontraditional speech,” meaning it’ll be all about Obama’s legacy and not about him asking Congress for stuff he knows he won’t get. Nikki Haley — South Carolina’s governor and everyone’s draft pick to be the eventual GOP nominee’s running mate — will deliver the official GOP response (like that ever helped anyone’s career.)
ISIS
Blowing through cash: The U.S. bombed what was essentially one of ISIS’ banks, potentially putting the terrorists in a world of financial hurt. The building in Mosul, Iraq, reportedly contained “millions,” which was used to pay ISIS’ troops and fund its operations. You take out the money, you take away ISIS’ ability to function as a state-like entity. So, the U.S. says it ‘ll keep on bringing the pain – and school ISIS in the immortal words of the Notorious B.I.G.: Mo’ money, mo’ problems.
COLLEGE FOOTBALL
Spread the love, will ya?: The Alabama Crimson Tide won its fourth national title in seven years last night, and well, the rest of the college football world is just plain sick of it. Is the Dark Lord — better known as Alabama head coach Nick Saban — gonna leave any championships for the rest of us? Yeah, the Clemson Tigers put up a good fight and all, but we guess a team can only do so much in the face of such evil, or, uhm, talent. Alabama heads back to Tuscaloosa with another trophy, while everybody else heads back to the drawing board.
EL CHAPO
Doing them a solid: Sean Penn may have ticked off the U.S., but Mexico probably wants to send him a “thank you” card for his secret meeting with “El Chapo.” That’s because the meeting with the drug kingpin was “essential” to his capture, Mexican officials say. They didn’t go into detail, but a newspaper did publish pics of Penn and actress Kate del Castillo arriving in Guadalajara before the mano-a-mano. The pictures were taken by Mexican intelligence, so Penn probably led them right to their man.
OREGON OCCUPATION
Bundy be gone: When your protest attracts its own protesters, you know things have gone off the rails. Police accuse the armed occupiers currently holed up in Oregon’s Malheur National Wildlife Refuge of vandalism. Residents are sick of them walking up and trying to start a debate about the federal government. They’re want Ammon Bundy and “lunatic fringe of radical extremists” to “get the flock outta my wildlife refuge.” Bundy ain’t budging, though.
BREAKFAST BROWSE
People are talking about these. Read up. Join in.
Selfie-incrimination
A man on the run in Ohio sent cops a pic of himself because he hated the mugshot they posted online. And then he told a radio station, “Man, they just did me wrong. They put a picture that made me look like I was a Thundercat or something.”
There is such a thing as a free lunch
Carrabba’s giving away 1 million of them.
Back to obedience school
So your pup sits on command. But does he say “cheese” like Herbert here? Yeah, didn’t think so.
SSSSSurprise
When this tourist tries to kiss a snake, it goes exactly as you think it would.
WHAT’S FOR LUNCH
Here’s what’s coming up later
Couch to 75K
Tonya Couch, aka “affluenza” teen’s mom, walks out of jail today after a judge lowered her bond from $1 million to $75,000. She’ll have an ankle monitor on though — you know, just in case she feels the urge to head off on a Mexican vacation with her dear boy
Number of the day: 8 cents
How much it costs the U.S. Mint to make a nickel. Thanks to rising metal prices, it’s costing the U.S a pretty penny to make chump change.
AND FINALLY …
Kids ‘bay’ the darndest things
When your bebeh tries to copy your bae and coo “I love youuuuuuu.”