Welcome to the first of April. It’s like Super Bowl Sunday for dad jokes, a day when we can all wake up, fire up the internet, and sigh a collective groan at the barrage of cringe-worthy pranks, tall tales and PR stunts conjured up by desperate media companies and junior brand creatives across the world.
We’ll be here as long as we can take it today, face-palming ourselves into oblivion as we catalog the good, the bad and the ugly of April Fools’ Day 2015.
Pac-Man eats his way across Google Maps
Google, the merry prankster of totally-not-evil corporate Web behemoths, has announced that you can now play Pac-Man on Google Maps. Open a map in your browser, click the blue and black square in the bottom left of your screen, and before you know it, it’ll be lunchtime.
Your UberBOAT is arriving
Why dart through the streets of your city in a Prius when you can take to the high seas? The dream has (very nearly) (not really) become reality in Thailand, where Uber will be piloting a program allowing users to hitch a ride on boats “on the streets of Bangkok” ahead of the rainy season.
The cutting-edge of technology
Samsung has announced this year’s must-have kitchen accessory — the Galaxy BLADE edge, “the world’s first smart knife with smartphone capabilities,” according to the phonemaker. The phone/knife apparently features “a razor-sharp diamond edge, tough enough to cut through a lobster tail and sharp enough to slice though tender heirloom tomatoes.”
It’s probably still not as good as an iPhone.
“May the Force be with EU”
Even scientists — scientists! — are getting in on the “fun.” CERN researchers have used the Large Hadron Collider to smash together two of the world’s favorite things — Star Wars and April Fools’ pranks — in a press release confirming the discovery of The Force.
CERN theorist Ben Kenobi has claimed that The Force is what binds the galaxy together, but dark-matter researcher Dave Vader (make it stop) dismissed the revelation with the quip “Asteroids do not concern me.”
Putin, Poroshenko to take this outside
Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko has thrown down the gauntlet to Vladimir Putin, challenging the Russian leader to a one-off judo match to settle the future of eastern Ukraine, The Economist has reported.
When reached for comment, a spokesman for Angela Merkel reportedly said: “Bring it on.”
Jeremy Clarkson’s “wake-up call”
It’s been a rough few weeks for Jeremy Clarkson, the former “Top Gear” host who was sacked by the BBC for his “fracas” with a producer.
Now, following what he has described as a “dark night of the soul,” the former star of the world’s most popular car show has decided to dedicate his life to sustainable energy, throwing his weight behind The Guardian’s campaign for fossil fuel divestment.
BMW’s Motor Mouth
BMW has announced the launch of a series mouth guards offering rugby players “the same impact protection as our drivers.”
The German car company says: “The interior of the guard uses tyre tread technology and grips accordingly, while the BMW signature kidney grille lies between the front incisors acting as an elegant respiration vent.”
Honda: The Selfie Edition
In perhaps the most inevitable development of the day, Honda has announced the all-new HR-V Selfie Edition. The hybrid combines two of American millenials’ favorite things — taking selfies and signing mind-blowingly expensive car leases that will cripple their financial future for years to come.
Honda says: “With 10 cameras across the interior and exterior, the HR-V Selfie Edition allows drivers to snap self-portraits while the car is in park.”
A leg up on the competition
You and your selfie-stick not already annoying enough? Why not get on the waiting list for the Selfie Shoes, the brainchild of something called Miz Mooz, which says it understands “the importance of looking great without giving up the comfort our women on-the-go have come to love about our footwear.”
“Just insert your phone into the port at the front of either your right or left shoe, raise it to the perfect angle and click the internal button with a tap of your toe to take the photo.”
Finally
It was only a matter of time, really. If you live in the UK you will finally be able to carry Simon Cowell around with you in your pocket after the music mogul topped a poll of celebrities Brits would like to see on banknotes, The Sun has reported.
The publicity-shy “American Idol” and “X-Factor” judge will finally take his rightful place alongside the Queen, Charles Darwin and Adam Smith — other great British people who have their faces emblazoned on money.
(It may actually) eat your heart out
Ever wanted to spend an evening with a vicious, occasionally man-eating beast of the wild? Get yourself over to London’s first pop-up hippo cafe, where you can dine with two baby pygmy hippos named George and Bungle — from Switzerland, no less — according to the Happy Hippo Cafe.
“Watch the hippos being fed at dusk by their handlers and then stay to take part in the nightly Hungry Hungry Hippo tournaments, while enjoying drinks and snacks,” the website says.
Bounce your way to loyalty points
Tesco has revolutionized the supermarket shopping experience once again (in a good way for once, hopefully) by introducing “trampoline inspired bouncy aisles” to help you shorties reach the top shelves, Daisy O’Farllop (get it?), Director of Aisle Operations at Tesco, told the Retail Gazette.
We’re actually quite into this idea.
Qatar to win Euro 2020?
Following up on their rather uncontroversial awarding of the 2022 World Cup, Qatar will be invited to qualify for the 2020 European football championships to help the country develop a footballing culture, The Daily Telegraph has reported.
FIFA President Sepp Blatter has personally proposed that the tiny Gulf state join qualification for Euro 2020 to provide European teams a chance to “get to know” their 2022 hosts better.
Tower of Pisa to be turned into hotel
The fine people of The Telegraph must have a lot of time on their hands, for it appears that Italian officials are taking heat over their plan to raise money by turning the Leaning Tower of Pisa into a luxury hotel.
The proposal for the hotel — to be called 3.99 Degrees — suggests each floor be turned into a single room with a 360-degree view named after a hero of the Italian renaissance, The Telegraph has reported.
‘Hunchback University’
The Independent has reported that The University of Leicester will change its name to King Richard University to capitalize on the publicity surrounding the discovery and reburial of the bones of Richard III.
The student bar will be renamed “Carnage@Bosworth” and the name of administrative building will be changed to Hunchback House, according to the report. (Editor’s note: If you’d like some real Richard III news, head here).