I am, in the opinion of many of my family members, the Grinch of the family. And, I am guilty as charged. I just don’t get too fired up over the holidays. Maybe it’s because the holidays are the front door to a couple of months of snow, ice and cold, which I detest. Though, it is not true that I once told my Mom, “Just open the door to my room and throw the presents in.” I blame a sibling for starting that myth.
So, if one isn’t a fan of the holidays, then how best to get through them? I am here to give you my time-proven guide.
First of all, there’s the shopping. I advise that if you aren’t already doing so, talk your family members into doing “Secret Santa.” The less shopping the better, I say.
Next is the Christmas tree. I go the “Seinfeld” route; I have a Festivus pole. Actually, it is the Festivus pole that once graced Irwin Service Station, so it should be declared a national historical landmark. But I digress.
My sister once asked me, “Shouldn’t you have a tree?” I replied, “Nobody was inside my house last Christmas season but me. Why should I put up and take down a tree if no one is going to see it? Besides, the Festivus pole goes up in less than a minute. And, since I have a Festivus pole, then I get to air some grievances. Would you like to go first?”
I do celebrate Festivus with my friends on the 23rd, the proper Festivus date. At our age, we skip the “Feats of Strength,” and go straight to the “Airing of Grievances.” You would be surprised at how many grievances one can accumulate in a year.
I do string some lights on my front porch railing. I’ve watched the movie, “Christmas With The Kranks.” I’ve read the book, “Skipping Christmas,” which spawned the movie. I saw how the neighbors opened up a can of whoop-up on Tim Allen about skipping the holiday. So, putting out some lights is a nice fake-out. I can fasten them to the railing with zip ties, in 15 minutes. Takedown is 10 minutes. Win/win.
There are some holiday eats and drinks that are worthwhile, though. My Mom tried so hard to hide the Chex mix she would make, that it became a game. She rarely won. So, I do make the stuff, and munch it at home while wondering how to irritate, I mean entertain, my readers. Pro tip–skip the mini pretzel sticks, and use round mini-pretzels, unless you want to poke holes in the roof of your mouth. Been there, done that.
Parents—don’t want to get up at the crack of dawn on Christmas? Easy—on Christmas Eve, tell the kids that they can’t get you up until, say, 7 AM. Then, before you go to bed, turn all the clocks back an hour. Yes, I did that once. It worked, and my kids still talk to me. But, I felt I earned that extra hour, after trudging through six inches of snow to Uni-Mart to buy batteries, knowing that I still had toys to put together.
It’s easy to see that Christmas is not high on my list of important days in the year. Maybe all the commercialization has you in a bad mood, like me. If you need a lift, I have two suggestions.
Try providing a nice Christmas for someone who wouldn’t have a Christmas in the first place. The Salvation Army tree at Walmart is loaded with tags, each one from a little boy or girl who would love opening a few gifts on Christmas morning. Grab a few tags, and go shopping for them. I guarantee that you will feel better; when I think about kids who still believe in Christmas getting to open gifts on Christmas morning, I do get a lift. I may not be a Christmas person, but I believe that every kid should have a Christmas. In my mind, that is what Christmas should be about.
And while you are at it, remember why there is Christmas in the first place. I don’t want to preach, but Christmas is a good time to think about your relationship with the person who is indeed, the reason for the season.
Finally…just chill out, and enjoy yourself, your friends and family, and loved ones!
And, Merry Christmas! Yes…I said it! Not Happy Holidays, but Merry Christmas!
